Today I needed comfort food, but not the stodgy kind. So, I reverted to childhood and had coddled eggs. If you don’t know what they are, it’s egg cracked into a coddler (small pot with screw-on lid), butter and seasoning added and then the whole thing is placed into a pan of boiling water. They’re easy to make and funner* than boiled eggs.
The reason is that I ended up chatting for a very long time last night to TEO (the evil one) and was somewhat conflicted and confused when I woke up this morning. He sounded like he needed company whilst he worked stuff through in his head and I wasn’t tired, so stayed up later than I probably should. The way it was left, I didn’t know whether we’d still message or not…
I have known all my life that I’m kinky but never had chance or gave myself permission to explore that side of myself. I was in safe relationships; vanilla ones in which I was bored, passive and to be honest, boring. I was married before getting together with TSH (the sexy husband) and that ended celibate. Or rather, sneaky masturbation sessions when I could get away with it, because the stuff that happened in my head was a million times better than anything in real life.
Once TSH & I got together, I was able to unleash my kink. And there’s no way I’d EVER be able to go back. I couldn’t settle for vanilla. I didn’t settle for vanilla, even when that’s all that was offer. Now, I know myself better, I identify in varying proportions as masochist, brat, bottom, submissive, kitty and little (well, more bolshy teenager to be honest). It’s fun, it’s authentic and it’s being me and being able to be me. And I couldn’t give that up for the world.
TEO and I have complementary needs; he wants to hurt me in wicked and delightful ways and I want him to do it. But, it’s all theoretical. TSH isn’t sure about me playing in a sexual way, although he’s more okay with the idea of me playing in a more public space. TEO is in a monogamous, vanilla relationship and last night when we messaged, I could hear and feel his frustration. Having been there, I hurt for him. But I didn’t want our messaging to end.
It’s not just the sexting bit I’d miss – he’s fun, quick with words, intelligent and interesting. Even though this is a new thing, if he were to disappear, I’d miss him.
Thankfully, we chatted a bit more today, and he wants to continue with the messaging for now. And sent me some rude Tumblr gifs, which makes everything alright.
* it’s a real word, honest. Or if it isn’t, it should be.
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