Unlocking My Heart

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That’s what happens when you follow your heart…

I never followed my heart; I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted. I went for safe options and never dreamt further than the dream of my 5 year old self… go to university, get married, get a house, have two children and go on nice holidays.

Ah, the nice, safe, heteronormative, monogamous, middle-class dream.

When I didn’t fit into that, I felt isolated, different and never thought there were others like me. I never tried to find out. And I buried myself, scared of people, scared of not fitting in, scared of not keeping others around me happy. And I felt like I was settling for second best, that there had to be… more. But I never chased it.

I was too scared of my own body to even allow myself to follow up on the feelings I got when I occasionally clicked with someone of the same gender. I buried it and didn’t ever allow myself chance to explore that side of my nature.

I was a serial heterosexual monogamist. No relationship gave me what I really wanted, but I got some stability at times, that I’d not had elsewhere in my life.

I met TSH and things got better. A lot better. And I started feeling more alive. But even then, we’ve had issues and cycled round on various issues, over and over. And at times in that, I wanted to walk away and go back to my older safe, boring life because at least I knew what to expect.

And at the end of last year, aged 39 and a half, that all changed. I asked for help for the abuse*. And I thought it’d stop me triggering myself but it’s been so much deeper.

I’ve come to terms with myself, realised that I’m actually fun, passionate, good-sarcastic, kind and many other positive things. But more than that, the biggest, most empowering change is that I can treat myself as a friend. Not the enemy. And that lets me put boundaries in place and bounce off negativity.

On top of that, I realised so much about my previous behaviours; how I kept myself locked away, didn’t dare to dream. How I’m monogamish, not monogamous. That if I voice my desires, the world will not come to an end. That I am able to negotiate and ask for what I want but in a kind and gentle way.

I have allowed my occasional same-gender feelings space and realise that I identify as heterosexual, with just the occasional woman I fancy. What I’d do in that situation, should it arise, I’m still not sure. But I now also know that’s okay.

I can accept my body as it is (except for the one little bit I cannot stand) and think it’s okay. I’m still working on my body-positivity, but at least I can look in the mirror and generally like what I see. I’m free to take underwear selfies and send them off to TSH & TEO** and not worry what they will think… and that’s empowering.

Yeah, sure I still have days and moments and worry that I’m coming across like an idiot but I think that’s part of being human. Learning to follow my heart has been revolutionary.

* If you know anyone who needs help for sexual trauma or abuse, please do message me as I will happily share details of the coach, as she genuinely gave me my life back.

** There is someone else who I’m messaging, but it’s not quite advanced enough for me to give them a pseudonym, yet 😉

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10 thoughts on “Unlocking My Heart

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I think there are a lot of people out there who feel like they don’t quite fit, but that’s ok. 🙂 The biggest thing I’m learning in therapy/life is to be myself.

    1. TEO is #2. The new one will be #3!!! A big change for me from 6 months ago. And thank you, it’s a huge step for me in the way I look at myself and react to everyday life and stresses xxx

  2. I really like this: “… if I voice my desires, the world will not come to an end.” When we’re young, we think the whole world will stop or our lives are over if someone disagrees with us, and it takes so many years to unlearn that!

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