A Dirty Dozen

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I started writing this post last week and had it sitting in drafts (tentatively entitled “Fuck! A Retrospective”). When I saw the Wicked Wednesday prompt of “Twelve,” it seemed very apt for my post and a better title sprang to mind.

If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll likely have spotted that I’m only now feeling confident in being me, asking for my desires and allowing myself to let go and really enjoy sex. Before TSH, sex was vanilla and boring and I spent my teens and twenties desperately looking for stability and an escape route. I didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted so ended up a serial monogamist and never fully happy.

#1 Aged 16. My parents disliked him intensely and that made him more palatable in my eyes. I lost my virginity to him but I was very ambivalent about it. However, dating him got me out of the house which was a good thing.

#2 I thought he was “the one.” We were 17 and he gave me a stability I’d never previously had. We were together until uni, then got back together in my second year but it didn’t quite work out when he went off with my then best friend. After I graduated, we started dating again but he loved someone else so ended it.

#3 The one I fancied and was brave about contacting. We were great friends for a while; he introduced me to a whole world of music that I didn’t know existed and I loved visiting him in London, just to get away from it all and spend time with him. Sex was a massive let down though and over in seconds. And in the end, I realised I didn’t mean that much to him so walked away.

#4 First year at Uni. I got bullied in halls of residence and #4 was an escape from that, if somewhat dull.

#5 The mad Irishman. He liked me because I wasn’t fully English in his eyes (16th Eastern European if you trace back my family tree) and that made me okay. He was totally different from anyone I’d ever met and provided me with this but then never followed it up.

#6 The closest I ever came to a one night stand. A big group of us were going out and I’d planned to stay over on his sofa. Another friend started flirting with him and I had (in my drunken state) visions of having to lie awake listening to their sex noises all night. So I did something about it and flirted harder. I should have just left them to it in hindsight!

#7 The alcoholic ex-fiancé. When he was sober he was lovely and I didn’t realise he was an alcoholic because it was disguised by heavy drinking at uni. At the point we split up, I could drink two bottles of wine in one sitting and it not hit the sides. It was over the moment he nearly hit me. I realised what was about to happen and thankfully was sober, with my car keys in my hand so ran.

#8 My best friend of 4 years. We finally got together and it was lovely and romantic but he lived far too far away and I needed more stability than the distance offered, so it never worked out. We’re still friends.

#9 My ex-husband. We were together for over a decade and whilst sex was never mind-blowing, it was okay. But he got frustrated with my abhorrence of body fluids, rather than help me work through them and we ended up celibate.

#10 TSH aka the deliciously sadistic one who makes me a very happy, very wriggly kitty.

#11 The only female I’ve slept with but as part of a threesome with TSH. There was kissing and breast play between us but she didn’t go below my waist, respecting my comfort levels and the fact it spontaneously happened without planning.

And that brings us to #12 … who knows what the future will hold? Hopefully, that hot MFM fantasy. And as I’m exploring the monogamish side of myself, I’m intrigued to see what’ll happen if TEO ever gets his hands on me.

TSH & I still have to work out the non-monogamy as we’ve both grown up with monogamous beliefs and there’ll be a lot of talking and communication before he’ll be happy with me sleeping with someone else. Girl on the Net had a great guest post recently that’s given us lots of talk about. But it is about taking one step at a time. And we’ve agreed in the shorter term that kissing is okay, so we’ll see where that leads…

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8 thoughts on “A Dirty Dozen

    1. I’d *like* TEO to be 12 but circumstances may not permit. And I am meeting up with someone else who’s messaging for a lunch date, so you never know… As for body fluids, it’s something I’ve always been scared of, so I’ve never until recently, explored oral in any form. The coaching I recently had (re the abuse) has been incredible in giving me the space to explore and the words to use and, well, permission I guess. It’s one step at a time but it’s made a huge difference already.

  1. I have done a similar post in the past, about the sex partners I’ve had in my life and I should actually revisit the post and see if I can add anything. Thanks for sharing your list, and I hope you let us know who number 12 is 😉

    Rebel xox

  2. Good luck with the non-monogamy thing. Kissing sounds like a good place to start and I will read with interest to see how that side unfolds for you both


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