So this is one is a tough one. I’ve ummed and ahhed about posting this, bottled it and chosen a different image five times over, but… that defeats the purpose of having this blog and actually facing some of these things. You see, I’m not body confident. At best, I’m body ‘meh’ (other than my boobs; I think they’re pretty cracking) and if I send underwear selfies to anyone, I take lots and I mean lots of pictures until I’m tolerant of what I’ve got.
My mother always hassled and harangued me about my weight and, if I recall correctly, tried to get me on Slimfast when I was 16. She’s small and slender and we don’t share the same build at all. But she’s also insecure about herself and instead of telling me I’m beautiful as I am and then supporting me, she’s always undermined how I felt about myself. She and I are different but she doesn’t celebrate it; she tries to mould me into being another her.
It’s taken a LONG time to work all this out and it’s why I’m ‘meh’ now, rather than hating my body. Yet I still pick different bits out that I dislike or want to change or wish were different or… or… or… Basically, I still have a way to go.
And it’s why I send selfies; it’s admittedly external validation, but the comments I receive force me to view myself through others’ eyes, if just for a fleeting moment. And in the moment, I feel good and positive and don’t have to criticise.
I’ve worked out how to stand, how to hold my stomach in, the angle with which to best hold the camera, how to use the timer to give myself an extra couple of seconds to pose.
And whoever the recipient of the final image(s) is, they never know the thoughts that run through my head as I look through what I’ve taken, delete them and start again.
So, why false advertising? What’s the problem? I think that only sending the best photos is a form of false advertising, like I’ll be judged for it when whoever it is sees me in the flesh. And my head knows that’s absolute bullshit but I am yet to truly believe it.
So, in my favourite (though only really flattering if you look at how they cover my arse) panties, I give you a small selection of my thought process.
Exhibit A (Full side-on view):
Exhibit B (Semi side-on view):
Exhibit C (Full front view):