The Pleasure Pain Divide

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“Fuck, you’re so wet.” His hand glided between my thighs; I was the wettest I’d ever been and I needed him to hurt me more.

I have a strange relationship to pain in that I’m scared of it but crave it. A bit like when I used to do the couch to 5K running program… I’d love the idea of going for a run, hate the thing itself but love the way I felt afterwards. Actually, scratch that, I never craved going for a run. I’m not that much of a masochist!

Throughout my previous and vanilla life, I wanted something more than I had, whether pain or control. I wanted to feel more, knew I needed more to feel, well, alive.

And the first time TSH and I played, it unlocked a certainty in me that I was right. He didn’t hurt me that much, but I just knew I needed it.

And when TEO and started messaging, it was something he asked me that made me realise how much I need pain to get off on, in order to feel a level of satisfaction that runs much deeper than the act of sex itself. And I don’t need to come in order to feel satisfied. Well, not at the time, I have a delayed response and become desperately horny later.

It’s not just the pain though, it’s the control and the idea of helplessness. I’ll struggle, sure. But it’s not to escape or brat. I need to know in absolute terms that I’m going exactly nowhere. Once my head is assured of this, I can let go. Bizarrely, it’s the restriction that gives me the freedom I need.

And if I’m restrained through a bit of man-handling, it pushes a lot of buttons. Yes, I can behave and do what I’m told but there’s something truly joyful for me when I’m thrown around, not able to fight back because I’ve been tied down. There’s a certain magic in the certainty of being told that I’m going to be used, that I’m going to be hurt. That nervous pulsing that makes me want to almost be sick rises in my stomach and I want to curl up into a ball, protect myself, but I can’t.

Whether it’s scratching or pinching, biting or belting, flogging or caning, bring it. Slapping, grabbing, whatever. Breasts, cunt, arse, I hate it all. Just writing these words makes me press my knees together yet my cunt clench hard.

Make me hurt enough that I make those noises. The little mewls and overspills from my head. The moans of pleasure-pain. The gulping inhalations when I have to breathe so hard to handle the pain, those instances where I meet myself along the way. Hurt me so you feel the physical changes in me as the endorphin rush hits.

And change your tactics. Give me pleasure mixed in with the pain and I’ll be all over the place. Put in a few strokes of my bruised flesh and I’ll purr. Push your fingers around my clit, swollen and needy, make me need harder. And switch back to the pain. And forth to the pleasure.

TSH wrestled me down last night. Had his arm across the tops of my shoulders whilst he straddled my thighs, wrapping his feet round my legs to hold me exactly so. “Now try moving,” he said. I giggled as I pushed and prodded and pulled myself around, able to move a couple of inches at best. Nowhere that I could get leverage to move. No way to get hold of him anywhere.

And then he bit the back of my neck and shoulders and down my back. Hard bites that fucking hurt. Made me breathe hard, made me work hard to meet the pain. And after each one, he massaged his thumb hard into its centre, reigniting the bruise until I swore at him. “But I can do what I like,” he said. “You can’t stop me.”

Clench

And then he walloped my arse, hard and fucked me harder until my head swam. He slid his dick straight in, hitting my cervix in the way that makes me want to double over in real pain, but there was no escape. He was relentless, fucking and fucking and fucking until I was covered in sweat, bruised and used. He came in hard bursts and afterwards, there was no mention of orgasm for me. I didn’t need it. I’d had my pleasure, it was deeper than sex.

This morning was a different matter. I was insatiable and demanding and TSH obliged. After he left for work, I made myself come again, pushing a couple of fingers inside my wet cunt and wanking furiously until I came in waves of hard clenches.

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