I had a choice of blog posts lined up today… one about my first kiss and a very serious conversation with FLG and the other, about TSH’s missed opportunity to fuck another woman. But neither of them seemed right.
I’m currently sat outside in the sun, a gentle breeze running through my hair, barefoot because it’s warm enough. Work-wise, I’ve not done anything other than check my emails for the past couple of days (good for a workaholic to know that it doesn’t all go to shit without me on it 24/7) and my head’s all over the place. The bucolic scene in the background belies the fact that I have 48 hours left to make the decision of my life, knowing whatever I choose, it is the hardest choice I’ll ever make…
TSH left the house yesterday, after I’d already spent two nights in the spare room. He returns after work on Friday. In this interim period, I have to work out whether to be with him or not. I’m loyal, will stay friends with people even though they pull the rug out from me time after time. I will break myself in two to be that friend, or in this case that wife, too. But I think I’ve been pushed too far, too hard this time.
Don’t get me wrong, I love TSH to bits but he’s been promising me certain things, certain changes for the last 4 years and every time it starts to work, he drops the ball, relapses. And every time, it hurts, really hurts. At Christmas, I gave him one last chance. Just one. And we had a glorious couple of weeks, where I genuinely believed everything had finally clicked into place. But then, it all slid again. Even though he knew that our relationship was at stake and I’d be gone. It’s that that really fucking hurts. It’s not malicious, but I can’t make excuses for him any more.
And in the meantime, there’s FLG. I really like him and after discussing things face to face, we’re on the same page. It’s a strange thing, meeting someone online and discovering there’s a real connection. And it continuing in the real world. Neither of us expected it; it was only supposed to be a bit of texty, sexy fun. Not this, whatever it is. There’s a disarming honesty about writing things down, nowhere to hide and once it’s sent, it’s sent. So he’s seen the best and worst of me, encapsulated in few words at a time. And he’s still here.
But even then, all of it comes at a price:
- TSH is struggling with the poly aspect of my personality/sexuality. I told him, gently, that perhaps if he’d walked his walk when he said he would that I wouldn’t have started to explore this side of myself. I gave him a chance to end me and FLG. He said not to. The other stuff that’s breaking broken me? What I ask of him isn’t really that much but he’s inconsistent, doesn’t communicate and lives in a parallel world.
FLG isn’t someone I can easily walk away from but I’m the other woman and it feels dirty, really dirty. I really don’t like myself for it very much and feel like a hypocrite. Yet I’m not forcing him either; we’re complicit in this. I didn’t sugarcoat my words when we talked, we both know what this is. At some point, his circumstances will change and he knows what he wants/needs to do for himself and where he wants to be in life. This is not him giving me empty promises or appeasing me. I trust him on that. And I know too, that if it’s not me, it’d be someone else, at some point. I want it to be me but I’m scared I’m going to really get hurt. And it all sits so badly. Heart vs head. Head vs heart.
FLG is a side issue at the moment though, a distraction from the huge decision I really do have to make. Still important, but not as vital right now. And now, I have to think about TSH: will my life be better or worse for him not being in it? I’m drawing on strength I didn’t know I had to make decisions that have serious repercussions whichever way I choose. Lifelong repercussions. The serious kind.
I’m writing lists of all eventualities, pros and cons. What I will compromise on. What isn’t up for negotiation. When I need from my life, so I’m not still stuck, still wishing things were different. It’s not a case of the grass is greener, it’s that I have to pull my finger out, decide on the changes that I need for me and make this happen. Somehow.
I have to balance risk… if I give TSH one last chance, and it will have to be a last chance, what happens if he blows it? That could destroy me. This hurts enough as it is. And am I an idiot for even thinking that he can change at this final hurdle? He is changing, I’ve seen it. He’s been forced to face stuff too. But is it enough? Is it fast enough? Will I be 50 and still waiting?
There as so few people I can talk to about this. To talk about it to vanilla people would mean outing us and neither of us are prepared to do that. And once I’ve made this decision, if I stay, there’s another clock ticking. If I choose to stay, I’m not just choosing TSH but a chance of a lifetime. If he fails, there’s that to consider too. And it’s overwhelming, despite my lists. There is no right answer. Heart vs head. Head vs heart.
Do I draw a line under everything and walk away from it all? Turn my back on people that make me (mostly) happy. And I do deserve to be happy. Everyone in this does; it just all these things look mutually exclusive from my perspective.
Edit: there is a small chance you may recognise me from this post. Please do not ask, I will not tell. I need a safe, non-judgemental space in which to blog.
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