Old Habits…

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I’ve never been able to come in any position other than on my back, flat on the bed. I say never, but it’s actually three. Three times in my entire life: twice when I was on top and once in desperation whilst in the shower, on a family holiday twenty-odd years ago. And this is whether wanking or being fucked.

I love being fucked from behind and the sensation as a hard cock rubs against the inside of my vaginal walls is incredible. It pushes in all the right place and the feeling of wanting to come just builds and builds… but never goes any further. And whilst I’m being fucked in that position, it’s hard to touch myself in the right place. Everything is so sensitive and gets irritated if over-stimulated. Over time, I’ve learnt not to try. And once I’ve come, I need a while before I can orgasm again. The technical term apparently is ‘refractory period’… I call it a pain in the arse.

Even when masturbating I can’t come unless my body is in the right position. Can’t be twisted. Can’t have my knees too bent, not if I want to really feel it… Can’t do this or lie like that… Perhaps it’s habit. Too many years of furtive climax whilst my partner was in the shower, after unsatisfactory sex (pre-TSH). Too much orgasmic equivalent of “fast food” and not enough self-respect. Until recently, I’d never pushed my fingers inside myself. Never tasted myself. Until recently, wetness was something to be ashamed of, to avoid. I still struggle with it and someone telling me how wet I am, without pushing it too hard, is the easiest way to help build the shame in a scene that I get off on.

On Saturday night, I couldn’t sleep and was alone in the bed. I thought I’d see if I could play with my mental wiring and make myself come. Flipping myself over in the dark, I pushed both my hands down my pajama shorts. The right hand propped there as a spacer, the left starting to idly toy with my clit. I flipped through my mental wank bank and started making big, pleasurable circles.

It took a long time. I went through several fantasies, all the while getting agonisingly closer. I should have come. All the sensations were there, but something wasn’t right. And I was soaking wet. I rarely feel that level of wetness and this was undeniable. But I still didn’t come. And then I thought about habits and moved my hand to a different position. It felt… strange. And before I knew it, I was grinding down on my fingers so fucking hard. My whole body trembled with effort and anticipation and I bit the pillow to hold the noise in. I pushed down with my hips and up with my hand and put so much pressure through and then finally, finally, I felt myself explode, crying out into my pillow.

It was intense, different, incredible. I laid still, enjoying the sensation leaving me dizzy and breathless. And slowly, I manoeuvred myself back to my default position, nice and sleepy and relaxed. I idly ran my fingers up and down over the hood of my clit and realised that I wanted again. So much for needing recovery time..!

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