Counting Down

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My fantasies have always been anonymous. Faceless people doing what they will to me, as I’m vulnerable and helpless. They’ve never featured people I know or celebrities. And they’ve always been dark.

I first masturbated when I was 16. And it was definitely after I lost my virginity. The abuse made me scared of myself; I knew it was an ok thing to do, but I didn’t know what to do with my body and I didn’t quite feel the urges that everyone else described. I spent years touching myself through my knickers, learning how to bring myself to orgasm but never daring to play with myself directly. It felt… dirty, and not in a good way. I could orgasm relatively easily through PIV sex, but that was different, that was not self-induced.

Ever since before I can remember, I always got turned on by the thought of being physically controlled. My fantasies were always far darker than the reality that I wanted but they were my ‘go to’, my safe place. And over time, masturbation became quick and easy. I was regularly able to make myself come in under three minutes whilst my ex was in the shower (celibate marriage!) and tide myself over.

In the past year though, my fantasies changed. No longer faceless, they became far more realistic. About people and situations I knew. Replaying scenes that had happened or could happen.

But during the last couple of months, with my head where it’s at, it’s been a struggle to make myself come. It can take 30 minutes or more. And even my trusted go-tos fail me.

Last week, I re-remembered one of the first erotica books I read. There was a scene in which the main character’s lover counted her down to orgasm.

So in my head I started playing with that. It’s certainly not foolproof but I’m getting relief rather than frustration. And it’s incredible how my body, that I was starting to fall out with, is responding. Certainly putting more of a smile on my face.

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7 thoughts on “Counting Down

  1. Using a countdown method is fascinating. I’m not sure if I could manage that because I’m a guy – but then I’ve seen male porn stars ejaculate on demand via a countdown, so maybe it’s just me? It might be a good method for edging.

  2. I think the countdown thing is part training (in a D/s or top/bottom situation) and part the exercise of control. Not only is the top/D deciding when you come, they’re making you wait for it and anticipate it. At least, that’s how I see it. I’ve only come on a countdown once or twice, and for me, I had to hold back the orgasm until I was allowed to release it.
    But I’m glad you’re finding things that are working for you.

    1. I genuinely don’t know whether it would work if anyone else did it. They’d have to know me and my ‘tells’ very well. And yes, I guess training. But right now, it’s working for just me and that’s good enough 🙂

  3. I was going to say how abuse changes the landscape of our sexual selves. Turning was is good into something twisted. My history with sexy sounds similar (minus the loveless marriage as singledom is the equivalent). I’ve never tried counting down though. An interesting concept really. Edging is something I’m terrible at so I’m not sure how I’d manage with this aspect of it (counting down).

    1. I use it more as a prompt than as control. I’m​ also terrible at edging and the counting just seems to get my head into the right spot. If I held off on the numbers, I’m not sure it’d work… It seems to be the process that triggers the right bit of my brain.

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