My fantasies have always been anonymous. Faceless people doing what they will to me, as I’m vulnerable and helpless. They’ve never featured people I know or celebrities. And they’ve always been dark.
I first masturbated when I was 16. And it was definitely after I lost my virginity. The abuse made me scared of myself; I knew it was an ok thing to do, but I didn’t know what to do with my body and I didn’t quite feel the urges that everyone else described. I spent years touching myself through my knickers, learning how to bring myself to orgasm but never daring to play with myself directly. It felt… dirty, and not in a good way. I could orgasm relatively easily through PIV sex, but that was different, that was not self-induced.
Ever since before I can remember, I always got turned on by the thought of being physically controlled. My fantasies were always far darker than the reality that I wanted but they were my ‘go to’, my safe place. And over time, masturbation became quick and easy. I was regularly able to make myself come in under three minutes whilst my ex was in the shower (celibate marriage!) and tide myself over.
In the past year though, my fantasies changed. No longer faceless, they became far more realistic. About people and situations I knew. Replaying scenes that had happened or could happen.
But during the last couple of months, with my head where it’s at, it’s been a struggle to make myself come. It can take 30 minutes or more. And even my trusted go-tos fail me.
Last week, I re-remembered one of the first erotica books I read. There was a scene in which the main character’s lover counted her down to orgasm.
So in my head I started playing with that. It’s certainly not foolproof but I’m getting relief rather than frustration. And it’s incredible how my body, that I was starting to fall out with, is responding. Certainly putting more of a smile on my face.
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