I’m not a back seat driver and I don’t top from the bottom. Or at least, I don’t intend to.
I mean, I am a control freak and I do like things to be right. If they’re not, my head micro-focuses on the minutiae and it’s no fun for anyone.
Like, my hair in my face. It’s really not important and it really shouldn’t matter but if I’m unable to move it myself, all I can feel is the tickle and I won’t engage with anything else that’s going on.
Or my hands. Unless I have specific instructions of what to do with them or they’re dealt with by cuffs, rope or whatever else is in the scene, they’re all I can focus on.
If something isn’t right, I’ll say so, even if it means taking over. When I say “isn’t right,” I do sometimes mean “not how I want it” and I’ve been allowed to get away with it far too often. I really do wish it weren’t the case… I kick myself for doing it, but I can’t help the way my brain is wired
I think I need a strong personality to hold me down mentally as well as physically. When I know that I have no choice, my brain does stop pushing and it’s far more fulfilling.
TSH had a unique idea after reading my Monday’s blog post on heavy restraint. We had a play session in which he grabbed the clingfilm*.
He sat me on the edge of the bed and took each hand in turn. He wrapped them in the film, over and over until I just had mitts. And then he wrapped both wrists together.
And when he’d finished, he taped over my mouth with gaffer tape and wrapped round my mouth with the film too. He made sure my hair wasn’t in my face and continued to play, wrapping me, cocooning me, making me feel safe and secure.
Once he’d finished, he left me. I knew he was still on the bed but he didn’t move, didn’t speak and I was there all by myself with no concept of time. I knew I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything and I actually felt myself nodding off a couple of times, I was so relaxed.
A while later, I felt a warm hand on my thighs; a gentle signal that the real fun was about to start…
* We did have safety procedures in place: safety shears for quick removal of the film and a clicker in my hand he made sure I could depress, in lieu of a safe word.
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