Nightmares and Progress

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My past means that I do have ongoing struggles with some sexual activities. And whereas even eight months ago, I’d have called some of these things nightmares, I’m taking big steps.

If I had to find a common factor with my icks and squicks, it’d have to be body fluids. There are other issues too, but whether mine or someone else’s, body fluids is a huge factor. I’m scared (more anxious these days) of my own and am particular about other’s.

Blow Jobs and Come

I read descriptions of a woman eagerly sucking a man’s cock, that they can’t get enough of the salty taste of pre-come etc… and it’s a real turn off. I’d love to be that woman but internally I recoil. TSH and I have overcome it to an extent, ensuring his cock is far enough back in my mouth that it bypasses my taste buds but that in itself is problematic. I have a super-sensitive gag reflex so a lot of movement at that depth isn’t possible and when he’s closer to climax, the swell of his cock really does make me anxious. We’ve found positions that work better than others, but it’s not something we often do. And the Tumblr gifs of face-fucking, that should tap right into my control kinks, kinda miss the mark. The thought of someone pushing deeper into my mouth without me controlling it is nightmarish. Even when TSH and I do get it right, he gives me the space to say no at any time, even halfway through the action.

I’m learning to love come. I love it on my breasts, my arse, my back and will tolerate it on my face, as long as it doesn’t go in my eyes (yeah, that’s not sexy for either of us!) or my mouth. There’s only been one occasion that TSH (or anyone, for that matter) has successfully come in my mouth. We were drunk after a party and I managed to get into a relaxed enough headspace and physical position that he was deep in my mouth. He warned me he was going to come and I didn’t move. I loved that we did it, but we’ve never managed to recreate it. The only other time he’s come in my mouth was when I really thought I could let it happen. My gag reflex kicked in as he came and despite him assuring me to the contrary, I’m pretty sure that it could be classed as a ruined orgasm for him.

Cunnilingus and My Own Wetness

This is a big one for me and has a direct root in the abuse. I’m sure it’s the cause of me hating the idea of my wetness, scared of the smell, the taste and trying to avoid it at all costs. It’s a source of shame and I’m learning to use that as part of my kinks. TSH will coat his fingers in my juices and make me taste myself, or tell me how wet I am. When he tells me that I’m a dirty girl because of my wetness, that does work for me. The shame is rechanneled into something I get off on. And being told how wet I am, how enjoyable it is, gives me pleasure because I know he’s getting off on it.

TSH will go down on me for a few seconds (I call it “small tastes”), then kiss me. I struggle with that too; I love kissing and being kissed but when there’s the smell and taste of me, I don’t want to do it. Smaller tastes at a time are more tolerable and I would love to just shuck off these icks and squicks and just enjoy it. I don’t know whether I actually will ever love oral, but I’m trying. It’s a long, slow desensitisation process.

I have orgasmed through oral occasionally in the past, but I’ve only literally come a couple of times that way. I haven’t relaxed and the orgasm has felt almost forced. And it’s always been a relief when I’ve come because it means it’s over. I’ve always need the additional stimulation of being finger-fucked too; the oral alone has just not been enough. There’s bits I like: being held open, my labia played with, my inner thighs bitten and for the first minute or two, the sensation of a tongue on my clit is amazing, but then my brain kicks in and I tense up again.

And masturbation has always been an interesting challenge too. I’ve always just used clitoral stimulation by choice. I have to be really horny and a bit drunk to even contemplate pushing my fingers inside myself. I love the sensation but my brain kicks in. One of my favourite toys is my glass dildo, yet even then I don’t particularly use it much. And rather ridiculously to my mind, it never occurred to me until relatively recently that I could use lube to make my self-love time enjoyable. Since starting to use lube, I’m happier to spread my own wetness round my clit so again, it’s small steps in the right direction.

Progress indicators

And finally, as an indicator of how far I have come, last week TSH fucked me and partway through we changed position. I told him to stay still and let me do something. He obliged and I very carefully lowered my mouth onto his cock, covered in my juices. I didn’t suck it for long, but enough that he enjoyed it and I earned myself a good girl for being really brave.

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6 thoughts on “Nightmares and Progress

  1. I might have said it before, but I want to say it again: I admire you for the way you are trying over and over again to push the negative feelings to the back and enjoy the positive side. You will get there, baby steps, but you will get there. Thank you for sharing this.

    Rebel xox

    1. Thank you Marie. It was interesting writing it out… I realised that I have made progress and at least I’m giving myself the chances to find out what I really do and don’t like x

    1. I’d love to reprogram my wiring! I’m far too impatient though, despite knowing that it will take time 🙂

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