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I went to a friend’s at the weekend. We’d not seen each other in ages and ended up drinking three bottles of wine whilst catching up on the last 18 months. And due to the alcohol, we had some very interesting and candid conversations, laced with filth.

We were discussing various fantasies when she said “you’re very specific, aren’t you?” Me reply was that it’s the way my brain’s wired, but then I had a moment or two.

Yes, I am very specific. Accuracy matters. In my fantasies, things are done in particular ways and I realised that translates to real life. It’s not just the making sure that I don’t hyperfocus on particular things, like my hair in my face, but other things too.

It’s not topping from the bottom but I have certain triggers: things I like and like to get off on. Things that mean I come away feeling more satisfied. It also means that there are fewer surprises and I can relax and let go, knowing that it’s all okay.

But the comment got me thinking. Are my desires overriding that of my partner? Am I reducing their agency and ability to express their desires? And, what would happen if I did leave it to the moment?

Fear has always held me back. I like safe. In the moment, I have to trust and let go and that’s hard, particularly when I’m vulnerable.

The flip side is that I’ll find other things I like, or don’t. I’ll be able to explore my limits differently. I’ll enjoy (or endure!) different experiences. I’ll enable my partner to explore themselves through what we’re doing in a less inhibited way.

At some point, I’m going to have to do this. I’m just not sure I’m ready to let go. But then, if I don’t have that level of trust, I shouldn’t be playing in that way.

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