Names and titles are fluid for me. I’m in a relationship where we’ve tried various dynamics, none of which have ever fully worked out or felt quite right. So I think in terms of how I define myself instead. And I identify in various proportions, at different times, as a variety of labels.
I’m definitely a masochist, and whilst some would describe me as a brat, I prefer to call it mischievous! In my relationship, I’m the bottom to his top, but I also have submissive tendencies. And as my blog title suggests, there’s an element of kitty. I used to think little, but perhaps that’s just another way of my mischief breaking through. And adding to that, I do like being looked after and given guidelines, which equally could be my submissive side…
These labels generally help me work out who I am and help me understand myself, as well as understand who I am in relation to other people. Yet they’re also restricting. I also know I’m heterosexual, for example, but that doesn’t mean I’m not occasionally attracted to people of genders other than my own cis-gendered female one. There are people who will take one look at the het label but if they were to say “I’m not interested because you’re het,” I guess it means they’re not the right person for me, and moreover, probably need to look pretty hard at themselves.
I guess that defining myself as any of these things, excludes other possibilities but in some regards that works. I know I’ll never be a switch or a top and that I’ll always be turned on by pain and control; that’s all a given. But if I meet someone who gets turned off by the term ‘brat’ or ‘masochist’ etc… without ever scratching the surface of what it means to me, we both might miss out on something great.
Then again, if someone’s not prepared to get to know me or just wants to use me for quick gratification, they’re not going to get very far with me either. I learnt that the hard way.
And as far as being called things in a scene, I get off on the verbal humiliation of mysogynistic words like ‘slut’ and ‘whore’. I like being told that I’m a ‘fucktoy’ and that I’ll be used. But I also like other, positive, words too and they’re the ones that break me because I find it easier to be called awful things than hear that I’m beautiful or sexy. The word that seems to come up most is brat, but there probably is a reason for that; my mouth just doesn’t know when to stop and I end up creating more trouble for myself.
I don’t have a title or name for TSH. Because we never have worked out a stable dynamic, it’s something that’s fallen by the wayside. In the past, the one that caused the biggest visceral reaction over the longest time was ‘Sir’ and I guess that was my inner submissive talking.
The other aspect of me with names and titles is who I don’t identify as and this extends to all aspects of my life. Much to my family’s upset, I’m not ladylike and always refer to myself as ‘girl’ not ‘woman’. I’m not defined by my marital status. Calling me “Mrs…” just perpetuates patriarchal bullshit and makes me feel that I’m not a human being in my own right. Someone online, who has been very lovely on my blog and Twitter, has called me “Ma’am” and whilst I understand why, it doesn’t feel they’re talking to me either – almost like I’m looking over my shoulder to see who they’re referring to!
Names, titles, labels, words… they all have power.
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