“Your loyalty is amazing,” said TSH and he’s damn right. Despite it hurting like hell sometimes, it’s a strength.
Loyalty is something I’ve learnt, it becoming more a core part of me as I’ve grown up, and more importantly, matured. When people have broken my trust, I still give them the benefit of the doubt, to my detriment. When someone hurts the people I love…? That’s when I’ll walk away, and even if it hurts like a bitch, it takes a lot to break me that way and I will pick myself up and carry on, despite myself.
For example, I didn’t leave my ex-husband. I could have done; we were in a celibate marriage, drifting in different directions and blatantly unhappy. He left me, getting together within days with a mutual friend. Five years later and they’re still together and happily so, as far as I can tell. Thinking back, he was loyal too, taking an agonising few months to work out what he wanted.
And that loyalty that he gave me in return is something I do ask of the people in my life. I will allow myself to be used as an emotional buffer, absorb negative energy to the detriment of my mental health and put up with all sorts of crap, as long as my trust isn’t broken and other people are not used as collateral damage.
Thinking back to some of the friendships and relationships I’ve been in, it’s almost as though my sense of self-preservation evaporates. The only time it hasn’t was when an ex nearly hit me one night when drunk. I was out that door quicker than he could blink. Yet I went back to him. He emotionally manipulated my trust and it took a long time to see through it and his lies.
And despite mine and TSH’s issues that I’ve blogged about previously, we’re working through. He did break my trust BUT thanks to the amazing, intensive coaching for the abuse, I was able to identify (after I’d released all the anger, albeit not in the healthiest of ways) what I needed to do to rebuild that relationship. I am loyal and it is a strength.
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