Look at Me

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One thing I struggle with is self-confidence. Both in what I do and more physically. I do things in real life under both my real name and a pseudonym and find it easier not being “me” – under my pseudonym, I am ‘more than,’ an exaggerated, more confident self. Still struggling when I do things that put me in a more public gaze, but easier than when I’m just me. It’s my ying and yang, my extrovert and my introvert.

I’ve never been good at the limelight – like I suggested in last week’s prompt, “celebrity.”

And physically, I’ve never been confident – always been criticised or felt like I’m not enough. I’m the largest in the family and I’m only a UK size 16, but it’s still made me feel the odd one out. My health means I can’t easily lose it and I do have a penchant for wine, which makes it all the harder.

And in the past, I’ve tried to be invisible, whether sexually or in every day life. In the bedroom, it’s been a safer option. Not putting myself out there means I can keep myself safer, not having to address my fears and icks and squicks.

I’m not an exhibitionist and hide under layers of clothing.

But in the last couple of months…

I sunbathed naked on a beach for a week and loved every second.

I fucked in front of glass balcony doors overlooking a city, with the lights on and couldn’t get enough of it.

I had an incredible cunnilingus experience, where I was in total focus.

I found that I like to be on top, and in the process that I don’t give a shit what I look like… I just enjoy the moment.

I’ve had yet another piercing and have most of my hair undercut. I don’t blend in.

I’ve found my voice. I’ll ask for what I want.

Perhaps, just perhaps, this is what confidence is. Not a twenty-four seven thing but something that happens in smaller doses and each thing is a step in the right direction. It’s being able to be vulnerable but knowing it’s the way forward.

I don’t know, but I need to keep pushing on. It feels fucking awesome.

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18 thoughts on “Look at Me

  1. I’m glad you’re feeling braver and more confident in your skin. Being able to write and control your look and what you say about how you use your body sexually is enormously empowering.

    I agree – it’s a journey not a destination. Not sure I’ll ever get to that point of complete comfort 24/7 in how my body is. But this all helps x

    1. I’ve battled these head weasels all my life and didn’t think I’d ever escape them, but it does happen albeit in small doses. And it’s in every aspect of my life, not just what I blog about.

  2. My wife and I started going naked on our boat back in 1969 when we both in our early 30’s. At first she was a little shy and uncomfortable if others were around. We progressed to sun bathing naked on an isolated beach, then when people were around and then to clothing option beaches. Over the years she grew more and more comfortable being naked when other people were around. When I retired we moved on our boat full time for a couple years then into a house with a pool that was secluded enough that we could be naked in the pool as well around the deck. She died at age 78 and she was completely comfortable with her body and continued to be naked around the house and pool when we were alone or with guest who were comfortable being naked. I used the term “naked” because we were not nudest. Neither of us were interesting in being without our clothes in situations where most people would wear clothes. And as for sex, well, we have been observed.

  3. My wife and I started going naked on our boat back in 1969 when we both in our early 30’s. At first she was a little shy and uncomfortable if others were around. We progressed to sun bathing naked on an isolated beach, then when people were around and then to clothing option beaches. Over the years she grew more and more comfortable being naked when other people were around. When I retired we moved on our boat full time for a couple years then into a house with a pool that was secluded enough that we could be naked in the pool as well around the deck. She died at age 78 and she was completely comfortable with her body and continued to be naked around the house and pool when we were alone or with guest who were comfortable being naked. I used the term “naked” because we were not nudest. Neither of us were interesting in being without our clothes in situations where most people would wear clothes. And as for sex, well, we have been observed.

    1. This would be my dream come true. I spend most of my time inside my house nude. I have sunbathed naked on my deck and even sat outside stargazing while nude. I haven’t been to a nudist resort (yet, it’s on my bucket list). I enjoy not wearing clothing.

  4. We went to one nudist resort for a day. It was a new resident owned resort and residents were responsible for doing a lot of the work. The day we were there the men were building picnic tables. The sight of naked men with power saws made me nervous. One visit was enough.

  5. I think that’s exactly what confidence is…those small moments and small successes (that also feel really big and life-changing when they occur). Any confidence I have (consistently or intermittently) is the result of baby steps and all the small things adding up. 🙂

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