Learning From Porn

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I had something drop into my inbox about free ethical porn from Erika Lust and decided to try it. I’m not a big porn watcher, as I’ve never found anything that particularly works, but I’m never one to say no.

As well as my coupon code, in return for signing up to the newsletter, I received access to a twenty minute film that had two heterosexual couples, in a swinging scenario, enjoying each other’s bodies and revelling in the pleasure.

It was all about the pleasure. And it was very vanilla.

I watched and got off on it.

And about halfway through, my brain screeched to a halt.

Dammit, brain!

I had one of those epiphany moments that I’m so used to not being the focus, and being so uncomfortable when I am, that it’s a huge reason vanilla doesn’t work for me. When I’m tied, cuffed, bound, being hit, scratched, bitten… When I’m engaging in kink, I can handle the focus. Because it’s all about me, but I’m not the only focus. There may be accessories to think about… are the cuffs okay? If there’s pain… am I handling appropriately? And my body is being worshipped in a way that’s much more palatable.

Vanilla is much more about mutual worship and connection. It’s hard. I can’t hide in my head or anywhere else. And it’s fucking frightening.

I want to withdraw back into myself and be told or made to do. It’s far easier.

Vanilla means I can’t.

There’s this side of me that’s emerging. I think there’s a balance point in there, but trying to find that means facing myself far more.

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8 thoughts on “Learning From Porn

  1. Thanks!! That helped me to understand what I have been trying to understand about kink. My focus is always on my partner and am I touching her the way she wants to be touched. I have to be encouraged to venture beyond gentle touching. I remember once when my partner wanted to be fisted. This was my first and at first I was uncomfortable.

    1. I think communication is always important, but if you and your partner approach the same thing from different angles, the words you use may mean different things to both of you which makes it really hard.

  2. I find this FASCINATING! That kink gives you something to think about and vanilla forces to accept the pleasure and connection without all that is something I never considered. For me, the vanilla is always easy because it’s easier to fake and pretend, whereas the kink requires me to be present and I can’t hide from anything. You’ve given me another way to look at the dichotomy…love that!

  3. We recently went to a very sensual, very awesome but very vanilla sex party. What made me most nervous, other than the fact it was my first time at sex oriented event was the fact I knew it was not kink friendly! I suddenly realised that kink was my safe place, and exploring without kink was going to leave me feeling very open and exposed.

    However, I overcame some personal challenges that night, and with a lot of coconut oil, a lot of massages and some serious human connection I think I came away with a better understanding of myself. But I must admit some of that hadn’t clicked into place fully until I read you perspective here.

    Great read =D Floss 🙂

    1. Thank you. I think if I ever went to a vanilla event like that, I’d feel very similar and it would certainly be a challenge…

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