Little Me

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I snuggled up to TSH this morning, in a very specific way. It’s the position I adopt when I feel little and vulnerable and need to feel protected.

I shunted myself down the bed and leant into him, my head resting just on his chest, so his heartbeat was loud in my ear. I wrapped my thigh over his and slung my arm loosely into a comfortable position. Bearing in mind I’d spent half the night awake, I went straight off to sleep. I snoozed while he stroked my hair with idle, random movements and every so often, kissed my head or my forehead and pulled me closer in.

He massaged my neck and shoulders, and down my back, his grip firm yet gentle. Enough to make me purr, but not enough to rouse me. I purred louder when he planted open-mouthed kisses on my collarbone.

“You okay there, little Kitty?” he asked. And there it was. Full of bitter sweetness.

We’ve tried and failed to maintain different D/s dynamics and have accepted that’s not us, but right now, it feels very painful. We’ve done, and I’ve done, so much adulting since March. Legal paperwork for various things, negotiating our relationship for ourselves, working out how to do polyamory… it’s been a non-stop conveyor belt of everything. And it’s only just slowing down.

I can adult. But at the moment, I just want someone to look after me.

I’m not a little per se, and if I did have to tell you an age, it’d be sulky teenager, perhaps thirteen, which allows for my inner brat, too. But my littler side comes out most when I feel overwhelmed and out of control. When I need someone to make a few decisions and put some boundaries in place. It makes me feel loved and wanted and needed, and takes the pressure off to help me reground myself.

TSH and I do manage some things in a kind-of dynamic. Like, if we’re eating out, I’ll whittle my menu choices down but if I can’t make a final decision, I’ll tell him what I’m deciding between and let him tell me. He knows he’s choosing something I want to eat and I can relax that the decision is made.

But I’m used to having to speak on both of our behalves. When he’s feeling particularly introverted, or is tired so his hearing craps out, I end up doing the talking and the decision making. I want someone who can do that for me, once in a while.

Right now, I want someone who’ll stroke my hair and call me ‘little Kitty’ or ‘little girl’, who’ll indulge me a small amount until I can regroup. I want to release my sillier, less serious self as it’s bubbling away inside, but everything does feel far too serious right now so it stays hidden.

I want to be the me that for a couple of hours last weekend had great fun in collecting all the stamps on the children’s activity card at the London Transport Museum. Or who was dancing around the hotel room, giggling away, for no good reason. But for it to last.

I want to free my head again.

And reading blogs like (off the top of my head, as there are many, many others) 3isright, Cara Thereon’s and Kayla Lords’, or watching videos like John Brownstone’s just makes me yearn for this thing I don’t have. I’m not sure quite what I want, I just know I don’t have it.

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10 thoughts on “Little Me

  1. It is hard work to always be in your adult ego. We all need to let go and be in our child and sometimes in our parent ego. Life gets boring when we get stuck. Enjoy letting TSH be in his parent ego and you in your child. Just don’t over stay your visit.

  2. I have my little moments too. We are D/s all the time but as you describe here when I am feeling super vulnerable or tired or ill etc then I find myself feeling very little. I need that space to feel safe and cared for and Michael is very happy to give it to me.

    However it is not a dynamic that works for me all the time, mainly I like to be his slutty whore which is nice that he has a Daddy/kitten thing with Cara.


    1. I love the dynamic you have with Michael, and also love watching his and Cara’s relationship grow, from both her and your perspective x

  3. I didn’t realize how little I was until I started down this road with my Daddy. There’s the vulnerability that’s scary and it’s there more than it’s not. I crave guidance and love from him, he goes above and beyond to make sure I’m cared for.

    It does amaze me how the same person can inspire different submissive behavior from his sub. I know Molly and I are different and Daddy seems to handle use both with ease.

    1. That sounds so lovely. Reading about how your relationship with Michael is developing, from both yours and Molly’s perspective gives me the happy feels xxx

  4. I have a little side, well, er, a babygirl side (I don’t identify as any specific age, either), and I definitely have those moments where I just need someone to make the decisions for me. Is it possible that you’re both trying to define D/s by specific parameters/dynamics that don’t feel right when it could simply be a more ebb and flow kind of thing like you described in how you handle picking a meal in a restaurant or doing the kids activity somewhere? It’s not always one thing or another, but there are different ways in which you can get what you need. Maybe strict titles and labels don’t work so well but finding those moments when you can experience an exchange of power (no matter how subtle) would work best? For JB and I, much of how we interact (especially when life gets nuts) is in really small, subtle ways that other people might not see as D/s, but we do. And as long as we see, feel, or experience the power exchange, it keeps us (mostly) in the right headspace.

    Regardless, I’m so very glad you got some of what you needed. ((HUGS))

    1. Thank you. It’s very complicated, and I used the term ‘dynamic’ as a shortcut, otherwise I’d be writing a book about it all. In brief, it’s not something TSH and I can currently do, due to history. I don’t know whether we’ll ever recover it, but anything more than I’ve described in the blog post is out of the question at the moment 🙁

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