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Shortly, I’ll be sat in an airport, having left TSH for a three-hour flight, won’t see him for six weeks. I went with him to get him settled in his new location and we’ve had a lovely time, tinged with that feeling of time ticking along. He’s my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my world.

We don’t know anybody locally, so we’re being asked by well-meaning strangers about family, and other, thankfully less intrusive things. The family issue hurts. It’s blindsided me. I’ve not felt this raw about it since the miscarriage, and certainly didn’t expect it to flare. I’m woefully emotionally under-prepared, particularly when there’s so much else going on. I’m often told I don’t look like I’m 40 and have always seen it as a blessing. Right now, it’s definitely been a curse.

And whilst I’m looking forward to having my own space for a few weeks, it’s brought other thoughts to the forefront of my mind. I’ll also be in a place where I don’t know anybody. I did get to a munch last time I was there, and really enjoyed it but I have to build a life too. A couple of people I met have messaged me and I might go out for a drink and see where things lead. But yeah, dating. Meeting new people. Working out what I want and need and how that can fit into the jigsaw of my life.

TSH and I have kinky sex and it’s great but we impose our own limitations on that, due to past history: we have ingrained, protective behaviours. He won’t do anything he considers Dom-like, in case I (and I very likely would) reject it. But it extends too far and he holds back too much, for both of us. We’ve agreed that we’ll do some play via Skype, kink-wise, but I’m worried he won’t see it through.

At heart, I need more structure in my life to keep my head in gear. Boundaries and consequences, and someone telling me I’m doing a good job. I need someone as mentally strong as I am to push back, but who’ll be consistent. And who gets my kinky nature, will push me, but will roll with my anxieties about sex. That’s not where TSH and I are. He’s my biggest cheerleader, but we can’t get the rest to work.

We went to a polya munch the other night. It was brilliant, energising and gave both of us the confidence we need to get out there. Polya isn’t about competition between partners, it’s about enriching, connecting, being human and making that choice. The other night re-affirmed that for me, and hopefully TSH too.

It’s where the dating comes in, that polyamorous intersection. I don’t know who I’ll meet and how we’ll click. No one person can give me everything I need but perhaps, I’ll meet and play and develop relationships with someone/people who help ground me and I can give them what they need in return.

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11 thoughts on “Changes

  1. I completely understand being blindsided by grief and unexpected emotions related to “family” questions (which, to me, often feel like NUNYA BIZNESS interrogations), and have continually struggled with my own pain of loss due to miscarriage.

    I know it does not necessarily help to hear it, but I will say it anyway: You are not alone.

    Sending you good vibes and good luck, through the ether, from someone who’s been there.


    1. We started out as him as Dom. He was never and would never accept anything different. But he couldn’t be consistent, other than consistently letting me down. I am not a switch. I cannot switch. Even when I’ve tried using floggers and whips (for example) to experience them to improve myself as a sub, there’s been a definite right end and wrong end for me. I’m sub, through and through.

  2. Definitely not a switch either here… I would not only be terrible at being Dom but I think I would actually find it rather distressing.

    I hope that these big changes in your life help both of you to find your way together and find a fulfilling happiness


    1. I hate being at the wrong end of an implement. Even for demo purposes or to find out what something feels like.

      And we’ll work it out, somehow…

  3. Life is leading you on new paths and I wish for you that those paths will be happy ones, places where you can make lovely memories, enjoy things that will strengthen you. Thank you for sharing your life with us the way you do.

    Rebel xox

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