I’ve thought about writing for Molly’s Pussy Pride project for a long time but never quite been able to bring myself to. Until recently, I’ve never looked at, or wanted to think about, particular parts of me quite that closely.
Along with all my icks and squicks that I’m slowly working through, I’ve always had a sense of shame about the way my body is and how it responds. It’s not dysmorphia but more a deep-seated dislike of various bits of me.
This blog has been incredible therapy for me – feedback on my Sinful Sunday images and written posts on body image has been uplifting, insightful and confidence-boosting. I laid naked on a beach for a week for my 40th and never felt so free. And over the past year, I’ve psychologically, emotionally, and mentally connected with, and accepted my sexuality. It’s been in ways I’d never previously imagined possible and changed my entire life around.
However, my physical dissociation from my sexual self has been far more pervasive, and that’s never been more noticeable than when I think about my cunt. If I masturbate, it’s generally through clothing. I have only more recently enjoyed using lube, as it’s akin to wetness, and that’s something I have, and do still sometimes, struggle with.
Ironically, it was vanity that helped me change my physical perceptions. I realised not so long ago that I whilst I have relatively few grey hairs on my head, my pubes are definitely a lot greyer. It was a horrifying realisation and I needed a solution. So I started trimming much more regularly, and taking the hair far shorter.
I did try removing all the hair one time. Whilst I loved the sensation, I hated the way it looked, and I have fast hair regrowth which, despite having used a brand new razor blade etc… meant I got ingrowing hairs, and ended up with all sorts of discomforts. It was an experience that will never be repeated.
But trimming is something I will do, and ultra-short is the length I’m comfortable with: it amplifies sensation but doesn’t cause me regrowth issues or look pre-pubescent. Sometimes TSH helps with this, other times I do it by myself.
It feels awkward when TSH does it – I’m vulnerable and exposed in a way that I struggle with. He’s up close and personal with a part of me I generally keep to myself. Sure, I’m happy to fuck or be fingered, but when his head is there? That’s a whole new level of fear and worry. And that’s a whole different conversation, too. As part of BDSM play, when he holds me wide open, when he comments on how wet I am, when he makes me face that shame and humiliation, it fucking turns me on. The rest of the time? It sends my brain into overdrive.
Last time I trimmed, I did it myself. I took my time, enjoying the smoothness of my labia and the velvety touch of my mons become more apparent. But then I realised I couldn’t do it all by feel. I needed to use the mirror.
Taking a deep breath, I setup on the bathroom floor, opening my legs wide. I watched the reflection of myself in the mirror, taking the remaining few hairs down to a much shorter length. But then I got distracted.
I’d finished trimming but spent time running my fingers over my newly-exposed cunt. I looked at the unevenness of my labia – the way that one sticks out so much further than the other. And thought about how overly-sensitive different parts of my vulva can be. I held myself open and examined all the different folds of flesh and how they all joined together. I played with my clit, observing how things shifted, and changed shape and size.
I grabbed my phone and took some photographs. Not for anyone else, but for me. For me to look at, and understand myself better.
I’m not sure I’d ever call my cunt pretty, or beautiful. But the other day, I finally connected with my cunt. And that is a beautiful thing.
This blog post is written for the Pussy Pride project. Click on the image below to read some incredible and inspiring entries:
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