Wrong Side of the Slash

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I’m so sure of my sexual identity. I know which side of the slash I’m on and it’s set in stone. Unmovable. I know what I like, what I get off on, and just as importantly, what turns me off.

And last night, something changed. It was a (possibly temporary, but) huge seismic shift, and it really upset me.

I rode him, loving the feel of his cock deep in my cunt. He’s a new sexual partner and we’re learning each others’ bodies. I told him that I get close to orgasm but have never come in that position. He told me “I won’t come until you do.”

I looked down at him, raising an eyebrow. “Are you sure, I mean, you’re not going to come then, are you?”

He grinned back and told me he could last. I smiled.

Challenge accepted.

I was mean in all the best ways. Changing tempo and depth until he moaned. Reaching behind to stroke his balls. I pulled every trick in the book until his teeth were gritted with determination. And then he couldn’t help himself, coming so hard in a long and primal-sounding release.

It was as hot as hell, I’d held the power, and I’d made him come. And then reality bit.

This isn’t who I am. Yet somehow it happened. I loved doing it, but I really don’t connect with it. Revelling in the power, topping someone… that doesn’t fit into my personal narrative.

I’m trying to persuade myself that it was my inner brat having some fun. But I know it wasn’t. It was more than that. It was definitely about the power, not mischief. And several people have observed that I top TSH in every day life, so this is almost an extension of that.

I also have the belief that different people draw out different sides of me. It’s one reason that polyamory is so attractive: I get to be alternative versions of myself, all at the same time. Schrödinger’s kitty, if you will, only I’m in various states of being alive, rather than the thing with the poison..!

That aside, what happened last night is making me feel distinctly uncomfortable, and has caused me to drop. It’s going to take time to process.

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12 thoughts on “Wrong Side of the Slash

  1. Over the years I’ve noticed how the power dynamics shift with the partner. I’ve also noticed how ex’s I’ve kept in touch with seem to behave differently and do different things – including things they wouldn’t do when we were together, with someone new. I used to resent this, but I’m at the point where I think it’s about the relationship as a separate entity not about the people involved. That is the relationship demands certain things from us not the actual partner, if that makes sense?

    1. That makes a lot of sense, it’s what I was trying to say about different people drawing different sides of me out. But this has really messed with my head… I guess it’ll just take some time to work out…

    2. Well said.

      In any coupling, there are three entities: the two partners, and the relationship between them. The relationship has a life of its own.

      Interesting that we all have different facets of ourselves that shine against the foil of friendship(s), and – as a general rule – we just accept it. But when that same phenomenon happens – different aspects of our Selves being brought out at different times, with/for/by/because-of different people – with sexual partners, blase acceptance seems such a remote concept. We react very differently, toward ourselves and others, when sex is part of the “different facets of self” relationship experience.

  2. I just look at those moments . . . when events take you to new places and new emotions . . . as sensations to enjoy for the moments they are.
    I rather enjoy those moments of power . . . but equally find immense pleasure and a “letting-go” in occasionally submitting to spontaneous and unexpected situations and experiences.
    Xxx – K

    1. I think it’s the unexpectedness that threw me. I’m much better than I used to be at letting go and enjoying the moment, but it took so long for me to experience my sub side that anything else is problematic.

  3. When I switched (I use past tense because pretty much my “switch” is turned OFF these days ~ a topic I should write about, I suppose), the rare occasions I found myself on the /s side of the divide were a bit as you describe: Did I enjoy it? Yes. Did I connect with it, feel like it was Who I Was? Nope.

    I could most easily explain it as, “Although I occasionally switch(ed), I was not Switch.”

    I am/was never not Dominant.

    Perhaps what you’re experiencing with your new partner is similar. Activity versus Identity.

    If your new partner is aware of your /s preference and your relationship with him is about power, I strongly encourage you to share with him what you are feeling in the aftermath of this event. And if it’s NOT a power thing, or he didn’t intend it to be, I still encourage you to communicate your concerns. At the very least, he needs to know what kinds of things are triggering for you. I think this qualifies.

    1. “Activity vs identity” makes a lot of sense, thank you. And you’re very right about communicating… I have since spoken with him, as it’s only fair. I did need that interim time to work out how to put it into words though.

  4. Being a sub myself, I always say I can never dominate anyone else. However, I do not know how I would react if I get in a situation like this. I tend to think I will go more to what Modesty said, to just enjoy the moment, to go with the flow and see it as a nice experience, but nothing more. But, as said, I have no idea how I would react or how I would feel afterwards and I do understand that you dropped…

    Rebel xox

    1. A couple of days on and with Modesty and Mrs Fever’s comments, I’ve realised that it’s the act rather than my identity, and yes it was an enjoyable moment albeit with a distinct cut off point. My bigger issue now, is that it’s highlighted (again) what I do want/need from a relationship and I have to work that bit out still.

  5. What a lovely experience and a thoughtful reflection on it. I wouldn’t worry too much. I love going on top. I love teasing and making him moan. I adore knowing that I feel so good that I can make him come. That has never made me question whether I am a sub – but each to their own and each to their own reflections and questions.

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