I’m so sure of my sexual identity. I know which side of the slash I’m on and it’s set in stone. Unmovable. I know what I like, what I get off on, and just as importantly, what turns me off.
And last night, something changed. It was a (possibly temporary, but) huge seismic shift, and it really upset me.
I rode him, loving the feel of his cock deep in my cunt. He’s a new sexual partner and we’re learning each others’ bodies. I told him that I get close to orgasm but have never come in that position. He told me “I won’t come until you do.”
I looked down at him, raising an eyebrow. “Are you sure, I mean, you’re not going to come then, are you?”
He grinned back and told me he could last. I smiled.
I was mean in all the best ways. Changing tempo and depth until he moaned. Reaching behind to stroke his balls. I pulled every trick in the book until his teeth were gritted with determination. And then he couldn’t help himself, coming so hard in a long and primal-sounding release.
It was as hot as hell, I’d held the power, and I’d made him come. And then reality bit.
This isn’t who I am. Yet somehow it happened. I loved doing it, but I really don’t connect with it. Revelling in the power, topping someone… that doesn’t fit into my personal narrative.
I’m trying to persuade myself that it was my inner brat having some fun. But I know it wasn’t. It was more than that. It was definitely about the power, not mischief. And several people have observed that I top TSH in every day life, so this is almost an extension of that.
I also have the belief that different people draw out different sides of me. It’s one reason that polyamory is so attractive: I get to be alternative versions of myself, all at the same time. Schrödinger’s kitty, if you will, only I’m in various states of being alive, rather than the thing with the poison..!
That aside, what happened last night is making me feel distinctly uncomfortable, and has caused me to drop. It’s going to take time to process.
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