“I need to talk face to face,” I said on messaging, Wednesday, to my potential Dom. “There are things that don’t convey over text. My head is all over the place.” He’s one of my friends already, so I didn’t have an issue with Him coming round. This morning we both allocated some time, and drank copious quantities of tea, whilst we talked.
We spent several hours previously, messaging about His three Primary Rules, and he asked me if I were prepared, subject to further discussion, to accept and be bound by them. So today, face to face, it was relatively casual, though I called Him Sir, as I have agreed to those in principal.
There’s a lot of negotiation yet… He likes (and I wouldn’t have it any other way) fully informed consent, negotiation and agreement of boundaries before any play or scenes occur. But for now and until negotiations are finalised, and life allows it to happen, everything is theoretical. But as I have agreed in principal, honorifics, and a few other things, are now in place.
The reason I became overwhelmed was because He sent me over His other rules. There was nothing unexpected and they’re not complex, but I got a tidal wave of self-doubt. I’d already tied myself in knots about the primary rules… how far they’d push me, whether I could do it and these new ones felt like huge mountains to climb.
I’d already sent out an SOS to the incredible sex-blogging community, who gave me some amazing advice, and asking Sir for a face to face meeting was also part of me giving myself the best chance to make the right decisions.
We chatted about practicalities in terms of life… Both of us have primary partners and commitments. I told him, tactfully as ever (!) that I am not looking for another romantic relationship. We’re both on the same page there so had a laugh, and it was good to see my nerves didn’t get the better of me, and I felt able to be myself to that extent.
We talked about what I want out of a D/s dynamic and I told Him about my mental health, my physical health and how I need to feel grounded in order to function. I told him everything that happened last year, and how prior events feed in. How I feel so unmotivated, like I’m floating. How I need structure, boundaries, accountability, consequences. And how they’re currently missing from what I have.
I was making yet another cup of tea, whilst we talked, and He saw I had unsteady hands. He stopped me, hugged and then kissed me, His hand resting at my throat, the other hand at the back of my head. It felt good. It felt right. I giggled, suddenly very, very nervous. He knew it was nerves.
“I’d throw you up against the wall and do that,” He said, “but….” I’m not sure what that but was, have no clue what He said next, only that I totally betrayed myself and whimpered. I found myself up against the wall, His hand at my throat again, wrists pinned above my head.
“How does that make you feel?” He asked. Somehow, I managed to articulate what was in my head.
“And I’m really turned on,” I finished. I’d left that till last, my self-protective wiring kicking in, even then. Yet, it was okay.
I know it won’t be easy… He likes protocol and is a total sadist. He’s incredibly intelligent and will realise when I’ve fucked up, mostly before I will. I hate rules and being told what to do. But I also trust Him. I trust Him that he’ll keep me safe, never push me beyond my limits, although I know He will push against them. I know He’ll be there, pre-, during and post- scene.
He messaged later. We both agreed that we’re in agreement on the big things. And now we have to look at detail.
There’s a deep, dark piece of my soul that has remained unfed for so long, that I can’t not give this my best try.
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