I am questioning my sanity at the moment. I have a long distance relationship with TSH, am seeing Mr Biter, and now I’m looking at entering a D/s dynamic with someone else. Although I trust all three not to get into competition, and I’ve had a serious individual talk about the implications with each of them, it could get very complex… so I’ve had to ask myself “why?”
The answer is relatively simple. It’s about answering my needs, my deep down core desires, scratching that itch. I’ve had glimpses of what gives me that feeling; the one where I feel alive and capable.
TSH was willing, but not able, to consistently engage in a D/s dynamic. He’s wired kinky rather than vanilla, but not in a way that works for us as a dynamic. We’re best described as me being a bottom to his top. Attempts at anything more have been tried, and failed, to the extent that unless he physically controls me during a scene, my brain doesn’t hear his commands. He also has to be exceptionally clear with his language… I understand the intent of him saying “I want you to come” but it washes over me, with my brain possibly thinking “that’s nice.” If he tells me to come for him, I hear that loudly and clearly and there’s no ambiguity. And I do.
When I met Mr Biter, I thought he was kinkier: he’s called Mr Biter for a reason, and we’ve had some very hot online play. But, as it’s turning out, he’s “vanilla with kinky sprinkles” compared with my “kinky with vanilla sprinkles”… He sees kink as a scene in and of itself, not something that organically happens. We’ve talked about mutual desires and what we both want, and it’s ostensibly from the same place, but as I’ve found out, there’s a world of difference between talking and messaging, and actually doing.
So, that still leaves me wondering… And the one thing I know I need, is more. More than TSH or Mr Biter can consistently give…
I want to be made to, my comfort zone behind me as I’m vulnerable and exposed, with nowhere to go. I want to be physically manipulated, mentally stretched, pushed until I’m broken, and then carefully pieced back together. To be held safe and trust that I’ll be okay, even as my brain fights what’s happening. I need to hear “good girl”, “well done” and “I’m proud of you”. I need structure and accountability. I’ll likely fight it, and I need someone stronger than me to push me back, because…
When I’m told to do, in a way that I hear, and understand, it makes me feel safe, and wanted, on a very visceral level. It’s edge play for me… not the danger associated with knives and flames, but emotionally. An exploration. The experience. Forcing me to face myself. And this is terrifying to write down, knowing that it’s within a hair’s breadth of reality.