There was more to mine and Sir’s scene on Wednesday than I described in Double Trouble, and it’s caused me to think about myself and where I am with a lot of things. Just under a year ago, I had my lunch date with FLG and it was meeting him that made me realise how un-me like I’d become. And I thought I’d changed a lot in the intervening year. I have, and I haven’t.
Sir deliberately pushed me on Wednesday. It was part of learning how each other responds. He knew the issues I have problems with: he’s read the blog and we’ve talked.
So, he guided me, step by step and at no time did I safeword. I could have done. But I didn’t, and that was my choice. There was so much of what we did that did work for me… he used my kitchen timer, so I had clear time boundaries; he was firm and insistent; the encouragement and language he used really helped.
But… I was nervous, the proverbial bunny in the headlights. Actually shaking.
It reminded me of how I reacted on that lunch date a year ago. So much has changed for me since then. I’m a lot more comfortable and confident that I’ve ever been, but somehow, on Wednesday, any iota of confidence I had vanished.
I wasn’t myself. Okay, so I’d had a night of insomnia and was getting over a bug, but even so. I was annoyed with myself.
And I don’t know whether my blog gave Sir a false sense of my confidence levels. I know that my writing has a sense of assurance about it that I don’t feel in real life.
Sir pushed my comfort levels, layering up, keeping me in a safe space yet so far out of my comfort zone, but it ultimately proved too much. And it was a deal-breaker in both directions. It’s amicable and friendly; the realisation that it’s a hurdle we can’t overcome and both get what we need from a D/s dynamic. I’m there for dinner next week, as a friend, and we’ve agreed that an occasional play session may be on the cards.
For me, my biggest disappointment was that I occasionally do things with Mr Biter, that I don’t do with TSH. All to do with baggage and history and where my head’s at. I thought that because I’m okay with these things with Mr Biter, I’d be okay with doing them with other people going forward. I was wrong.
I wrote Sir an essay for feedback, as per the rules and in it, I explained where my limits are, putting certain things on the hard limits list. I knew as I wrote it that chances were that I was closing a door on our dynamic. And that really did upset me, mixed with the anger I felt at myself. But, I had to do it for me.
The other thing that it’s really helped with is it’s done some rewiring of my brain with regards to negative sexual encounters. Although I really didn’t handle the scene well, despite my hating part of what we did, I was in full control. It was consensual, not coercive. I was responsible for whether I used my safewords or not; Sir’s not a mind-reader, so was going to continue unless I tapped out. And I didn’t. My choice. Empowering. Positive.
And I’m glad we found out now, rather than when we were much more invested. And that I have an amazing friend, who will hopefully do savage things to me in the not-so-distant future…
Technically, although he’s no longer Sir, I don’t have a pseudonym for him on this blog, so I’ll refer to him as Sir for the purposes of the blog.