I’ve always referred to my issues with oral sex on this blog as “icks and squicks” but in the past week, I’ve had to readdress this and work out what’s really going on. There’s two parts to it… fear, and phobia. And it’s meant some things are now on my hard limit list.
For reference and context, also see Nightmares and Progress (content warning).
Fear: blow jobs are something I need to feel in control of and this comes back to the night of the abuse. I need to choose when they happen, and feel they can stop at any time. Whilst normally, being made to do something, or any consensual non-consensual sexual activity turns me on, blow jobs in this context are a hard limit. And when, rarely, they are a consensual activity, I like having my head or hair held, even in an insistent way. But I need to know that I can stop at any time and without judgement. I also have a really twitchy gag reflex; whether this is a result of anything in my past or just the way I’m wired, I’m unsure. However, it’s a total pain in the arse when I’m cleaning my teeth even.
Phobia: I know on a rational level that body fluids are harmless and won’t kill me, but like some people are scared of spiders, I have a reaction to body fluids. It’s more specific than that though… I am one of those people who needs to wash their hands if they think they’ve come into contact with anything. If I get the feeling there’s anything lingering, I need to clean it off. Somehow, I’m okay with TSH and Mr Biter coming on me, and then just tissuing off after. I’m not okay with leaving it to run. I’m okay with facials, but get wound up about it getting in my mouth (and of course, up my nose or in my eye, from experience is just unpleasant!) I love the idea of having someone come in my mouth, but it’s something I worry about on many levels: ruined orgasm if I panic. Choking. Texture. Taste. And the idea of it in my mouth.
After finally enjoying cunnilingus (see High Rise), I was more open to the idea, but only after a drink when the alcohol could quiet my brain enough. Mr Biter really loves going down on me, and he knows my history, so he gradually introduced it. And it’s something I really love him doing. I don’t come that way; whether it’s because I don’t fully relax, I don’t know. What I do know though, is that I trust him to do it, and part of my pleasure comes through having that trust. And that had a knock on effect with TSH. I’ve “trained” TSH to not even try, but when we accidentally switched, I hesitantly lowered myself onto his face. I did enjoy it but possibly more the transgressional aspect rather than the act itself. Again, something I don’t know. With both men, I’m in absolute control of what’s happening and this allows me to relax more to enjoy it.
Fluids-wise, I will never embrace my body fluids. I still don’t push my fingers inside myself, or use toys often, for this very reason. Even though I really enjoy the sensation. Now, I’m able to kiss Mr Biter after he’s gone down on me, and not even think about it at the time. And TSH, too after our activities the other week. But this has taken me a long time to “normalise” it in my head and be okay with it.