Collapse of Structure

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The short time I spent negotiating with Sir, despite it not working out, showed me how important structure is. And now/when it’s not there, I miss it.

We had an agreed rule of a minimum of “good morning” and “good night” messages, plus the daily photo task. These were things that fit with whether I was by myself, or with TSH or Mr Biter.

I messed up once, and he asked me to write lines… “daily tasks are there to give me structure.” At the time I understood the words and intention but didn’t feel it on a deeper level. Now, I do.

Mr Biter is stepping up more, on the kinky fuckery. But he’s inconsistent. And sometimes I get good night messages and sometimes not.

Yet he still wants me, ostensibly, to give him more in terms of kinky fuckery. The messaging, and sometimes the reality, is more D/s. But after Sir, I’m not sure how much more I want to, or can give him.

How can I give him more of my submissive side, even within just that scene, if he can’t give me a basic foundation?

And how do I establish a baseline? All these things are fluid, but I need to put something in place that means I don’t give too much of myself away. I don’t want to make myself overly vulnerable. It’s too much right now.

And is it fair to him, that my interaction with Sir has changed me to that extent?

The submission was always theoretical, until Sir. I knew it to be true, in my head and on a visceral level. But until him, I didn’t know for absolutely sure.

Now I do, and my boundaries have changed. How I work that back into pre-existing relationships, I’m not sure. But, it’s a thing.


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4 thoughts on “Collapse of Structure

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, sharing your journey. I think it helps many people out there to see how your thought process works. I found this paragraph especially striking:

    “I messed up once, and he asked me to write lines…”daily tasks are there to give me structure.” At the time I understood the words and intention but didn’t feel it on a deeper level. Now, I do.”

    Rebel xox

    1. Writing it out helps me understand what’s going on in my head. Anything that helps ease the process can only be a good thing for my mental health, and if anyone else benefits, that’s a bonus x

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