Out of Kilter

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How do you cope when your level of sexual desire doesn’t match that of your partner?

Earlier this week, Mr Biter and I had a long conversation. I was at my most honest and vulnerable, not holding back, and it was hard. I cried. Problem is, we’ve become a lot more serious about each other than intended.

It’s not that our level of sexual desire doesn’t match. It does. But it’s the balance of what we do that’s out of kilter. I love the vanilla stuff we do. It’s connected. Intimate. Moreish. But, it’s not enough to satisfy my darker urges.

The kink keeps me grounded. I thrive on being physically and mentally dominated. I love being restrained; thrown onto the bed, a knee in my back as he reaches for the cuffs, the knowledge I’m going nowhere. Cammies On the Floor had such a hot post, Lust and Will, and it just made me ache for the same.

I need the pain and the control. Not all the time, but sometimes. In a higher proportion than I’ve had. The spanking I got from Mr Biter the other week was the first time we’d done anything in ages. And I was really prescriptive about what I wanted. I got it, but I was back to feeling like I was topping from the bottom.

What we did worked for us both. I’m hoping it’s the start of something kinkier.

That’s if we can find a way forward.

The other issue is that he’s horribly inconsistent. Our desired levels of communication don’t meet in the middle. He works irregular hours and I’m not his only partner, but he can’t stick to a basic routine and it drives me mad. I’m learning that being polyamorous means you have to be a strong and consistent communicator. I think I am, but he’s not. And it’s going to hurt me, him and his other partner.

Sometimes, I get a run of “good night” messages, other times he disappears into the ether. Sometimes, he’ll say he’s going to ring and then… nothing. He’ll have been distracted, or have forgotten. One of these days, I’m convinced he’s going to forget he’s coming over for the night. It’s not malicious, but I struggle to cope with it. And there’s only so many times I’ll prompt him.

Since our chat, and with the experience of Sir and the structure that gave me, I’m slowly coming to some decisions I’m not sure about, or capable of carrying out. I do know that I’ll no longer chase him. He’s a grown man. It’s up to him to put the work in. And if he doesn’t? Time to reevaluate.

We’ve also not messaged a lot this week; from my perspective I don’t quite know where we stand and there’s been a weird gap that I can’t quite work out. We had a burst of sending each other Tumblr posts though the other night. Back to sexty flirting and him saying “I want to do xyz.”

He’s upped his Dom game, theoretically, and it’s hot as fuck. What happens in real life, when he’s next over, is a different matter. But he also doesn’t quite understand where I am head-wise… He knows if we play, he can tell me to do something and I’ll likely obey. But I don’t think he realises there’s limits in that, and the implications of some of the things he’s mentioned.

There are things I won’t do; I won’t crawl, for example. That’s something I’d only do for someone who’s earned the right. And there’s only one man I would have crawled for, so far.


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