Mr Biter and I have been talking more about kink and what we both want out of it. I’m very aware that with the D/s relationship not working out, I’m needing more of certain things right now. TSH also knows and understands, but knows it’s not something he can fulfill in me. And Mr Biter isn’t able to either.
With TSH, we have too much history and that’s blocked me from listening to certain things from him. Even when it’s small tasks. Unless it’s a vanilla thing, it doesn’t happen as I don’t even hear it with a bottom/submissive mindset.
And Mr Biter isn’t off that mindset either. There are definitely times I’d like him to be more assertive, but he’s certainly very much more a top, in his own way.
I want restraint, control, and layers of pain and pleasure. The combination that persuades my brain to let go. He wants to spank me whilst we’re fucking, and those other things don’t occur to him, which is why we seem to have divergent tastes in kink. Somehow we need to get those bits to work together.
Even earlier, when we were talking over message about how to combine some of the different kinks we have, and I was working from home, he said, “you should plug the wand in and keep it between your legs…”
My reply was, “And you know full well I have no intention of doing so.”
I wanted him to tell me to do it, but that’s not how he’s wired. So we moved on to other things.
Just going and getting my wand out isn’t something I do. I need to be told, and right now, there’s a little bit of my head now that’s questioning why.
I’ve got a head full of stress again, and even getting myself off takes longer. I normally make myself come with my fingers across my clit only. No toys (they’re more fun when I’m told… see?). But to rein my head back in, I’ve resorted to using the nipple clamps. It’s the edge of pain that overrides my thoughts and lets me get into a headspace where I can orgasm. But it’s not the same doing it to myself….
I guess I get off on doing the things I’m otherwise reluctant to do, whatever my reason for that reluctance is.
Of course, in the interest of science, I did go and get the wand to see how I felt about it. I physically got off, not to the point of orgasm of course, this being me. But I didn’t mentally get off, and that’s just as important for me.