Physical and Mental Arousal

Meme Header: Kink of the Week

Mr Biter and I have been talking more about kink and what we both want out of it. I’m very aware that with the D/s relationship not working out, I’m needing more of certain things right now. TSH also knows and understands, but knows it’s not something he can fulfill in me. And Mr Biter isn’t able to either.

With TSH, we have too much history and that’s blocked me from listening to certain things from him. Even when it’s small tasks. Unless it’s a vanilla thing, it doesn’t happen as I don’t even hear it with a bottom/submissive mindset.

And Mr Biter isn’t off that mindset either. There are definitely times I’d like him to be more assertive, but he’s certainly very much more a top, in his own way.

I want restraint, control, and layers of pain and pleasure. The combination that persuades my brain to let go. He wants to spank me whilst we’re fucking, and those other things don’t occur to him, which is why we seem to have divergent tastes in kink. Somehow we need to get those bits to work together.

Even earlier, when we were talking over message about how to combine some of the different kinks we have, and I was working from home, he said, “you should plug the wand in and keep it between your legs…”

My reply was, “And you know full well I have no intention of doing so.”

I wanted him to tell me to do it, but that’s not how he’s wired. So we moved on to other things.

Just going and getting my wand out isn’t something I do. I need to be told, and right now, there’s a little bit of my head now that’s questioning why.

I’ve got a head full of stress again, and even getting myself off takes longer. I normally make myself come with my fingers across my clit only. No toys (they’re more fun when I’m told… see?). But to rein my head back in, I’ve resorted to using the nipple clamps. It’s the edge of pain that overrides my thoughts and lets me get into a headspace where I can orgasm. But it’s not the same doing it to myself….

I guess I get off on doing the things I’m otherwise reluctant to do, whatever my reason for that reluctance is.

Of course, in the interest of science, I did go and get the wand to see how I felt about it. I physically got off, not to the point of orgasm of course, this being me. But I didn’t mentally get off, and that’s just as important for me.

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6 thoughts on “Physical and Mental Arousal

  1. Just thinking (/writing) aloud…

    This is difficult, on multiple levels, no matter what the specifics of dynamics, I think. Especially when – as with TSH – there’s too much history, or – as with MB – there’s not enough.

    As you say yourself: with the former, he could go there but you won’t respond. It’s not the right headspace. And with the latter: really… it’s a fine line to walk (especially for a conscientious man) between accepting your refusal (because “no” has many forms, and “no” is supposed to mean NO) and pushing/demanding/forcing (‘making you’ do something) because that’s how your ‘refusal’ is actually intended. Because what if you actually are just NOT into it? If he pushes/forces in that instance, he’s an asshole (autocorrect just tried to change that to ‘as whole’ – laugh), so…

    It’s a conundrum.

    For me, this translates in other ways (still just thinking) when I encounter it on my side of the power slash.

    It’s frustrating when it’s pushback of that kind from an /m partner because… THIS IS WHAT HE SAID HE WANTED (and now he’s being a pain in the ass about it? Well he can fuck right off…) and I expect people to say what they mean and mean what they say, so if he’s saying “no” then… What the actual fuck?! (Descriptors like ‘flake’ come to mind, but on a more serious level it calls into question SO many things related to trust. Like, trusting him to have a say/do that match, for one.)

    There’s also the constant pushback from men on a daily interaction plane, that’s just exhausting generically and professionally speaking, so that’s a HELL NO when it comes to brat-ish behavior or mixed messages in my personal and sexual life.

    And CNC is a whole ‘nother ball of wax…

    It’s a lot to think about, and since everyone’s kinks are skewed slightly differently, it’s even more to navigate.

    (/end thinky-ness, begin normal reply – feel free to delete or edit accordingly 🙂 )

    I wonder if it would help for any/all of you if there was a specific way to signal that “this is power exchange time.” Especially via text. If he (whichever ‘he’ it may be) said, “Hello, Kitty” (for example), you could agree to different responses that could indicate your headspace. One response that clearly says “I’m in” would be a key way to let him know that when you say “no” you need to be pushed, so there’s (perhaps) less fear of overstepping/disrespecting boundaries. Having a clear delineation of when it’s okay to push and when it’s not might help in creating the kinds of interactions you seek.

    1. Wow, that’s a lot to think about. Mr Biter is very consent based so I agree there’ll be internal conflict. That said, he’s far more vanilla than I am, so it really is a case of working out where we meet in the middle on some things. And I understand the “no” thing too. I have used my safeword before, and he knows I will. And we’ve talked a lot about our respective kinks and he says he gets me. He also calls me a brat but that’s because I’m cheeky, rather than behaviourially; I don’t want to behave in any way that would make him say “no, I’m tired, let’s just fuck instead.” I need to go think on this. Will likely edit later… 🙂

  2. I totally get you on this… I need to be told to. A simple suggestion won’t do it for me. I need to feel the control, feel that I have no choice than to do what he wants me to do. THAT makes me get off both mentally and physically.

    Rebel xox

  3. Some people just need to be made to do things. Is it at all possible for you find someone to meet that need? Maybe in a weekly session? I know spankings help me tamp down the anxiety so when I was single I’d seek out a spanker.

    1. It’s definitely something I’m considering. I’m trying to get out and meet people in the scene locally, and have that in mind…

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